Dear Heartbreak Read online

  These are questions I’m asking of you, and they are questions I continue to ask myself. The asking, and answering, helps me to grow and learn things about myself, to surround myself with the kind of people who will help me enjoy the sunshine and weather the storms.

  Part of me wants to do that old-person annoying thing and advise you not to rush it, Confident. Not to be in such a hurry to escape the safe cocoon of childhood and burst in the more turbulent waters of adulthood. But I know this too is bullshit. Partly because I bet you’re already in rough waters. Even if you have a seemingly good life—no illness, no abuse, no neglect, little discrimination, the usual amount of family dysfunction—I know how hard it can be at your age: pressures from school and parents, boredom, not to mention complex friendship dynamics (and sometimes, I wonder if all the angsty, mean drama of middle school and high school is a misguided desire for experience; drama is not actually the same thing as experience, but it can feel that way).

  But as someone who was herself in a hurry, telling you to be patient would be hypocritical. My thirst was so immense that when I was sixteen, I went abroad to England for a year as an exchange student. That year was in many ways hard. I lived with a family I never felt entirely comfortable with. I was homesick. I had my heart broken. But it was a year of experience and I soaked it up like the dry Valley Girl sponge I was. It was the year that started me traveling. I’ve never quite stopped. (Side note: Travel is an excellent way to experience lots of, well, experiences.)

  I was also in a rush to find a great love. I went through a lot of guys, or maybe they went through me, trying to find someone I could deeply love, who would love me in kind, who’d write me the kind of songs that made my heart burst. It just never seemed to work out. The guys I loved, the ones I threw my heart at, treated it cavalierly. The guys who liked me, the ones who on paper seemed so great—they’d write me poems or cook me dinner or decorate my car in flowers—made my skin crawl. I feared there was something wrong with me. That I would be forever out of sync, loving the wrong people, rejecting the right ones. I was scared I’d never find someone I loved who’d love me back. I’d never have a proper boyfriend. Spoiler: I did, three months shy of my twenty-third birthday. Which at the time felt geriatrically old to experience all those goofy milestones (one-month anniversary! exchange of house keys! moving in together!) but in retrospect seems so incredibly young to find the person you might maybe spend your life with.

  So go ahead and be impatient. Go ahead and desire experience. In this way, you are making yourself ready for it. You are braving up for it. You are opening yourself up to it.

  But you know this all already, don’t you, Confident? Because by the end of your letter, you seem to understand that you’ve never been talking to Heartbreak. You acknowledge that to live life fully, to open yourself up to experience, is an inherently risky act because you are inviting joy and pain. They both show up at the table, hungry. You will wind up feeding them both.

  At the end of your letter, you say you’re breaking up with heartbreak. But this letter was never to heartbreak. So you’re not actually breaking up with anyone. What you’re doing is getting together. With experience.

  May it be a lifelong relationship.

  Yours,

  If you put each title of our letters together, you get a poem. We wrote this just for you, to stick in your back pocket and look at whenever Heartbreak comes to visit.

  BIGGER THAN HEARTBREAK

  Who said I have to give my heart up for breaking?

  I am tired of trying to prove my worth

  We have to be who we are

  We’re not alone

  If you call, I will answer

  You are so far from broken

  Bigger than heartbreak

  Life in the friend zone?

  Knock down those walls

  How to find a boyfriend in your heart:

  Down the rabbit hole and out the other side

  Do you care to reside within?

  Open the door and walk through it

  Own your heart

  Stay you

  Grow wildly

  Love is all, love is you

  The teacher of all things

  RESOURCES

  Below are resources for those of you who find yourself in an abusive relationship—physical or otherwise. And for those of you who feel like complete and utter shit and could really use someone to talk to. And for those of you who feel lonely, invisible, unsafe, traumatized, or in any way scared. Know that there are so many people out there who want to help you, who understand what it’s like to deal with the pain you have. Know that you matter. You’re not alone. I hope our letters show you that.

  These hotlines are free, private, and open 24 hours a day:

  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

  National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (422-4453)

  The Trevor Project Hotline for LGBTQ+ young adults: 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)

  Love Is Respect Abusive Relationship Hotline: 1-866-331-9474

  These are great organizations with super-helpful websites and tons of resources:

  Love Is Respect (loveisrespect.org): If you’re in an abusive relationship, this organization has your back. There are loads of resources on their site, including a quiz to see if your relationship is healthy. Peer advocates are available 24/7 if you need someone to talk to. Text “love is” to 22522 or call 1-866-331-9474.

  Born This Way Foundation (bornthisway.foundation/get-help-now): Here you’ll find help with PTSD, body issues, LGBTQ+ situations, and more.

  The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org): Crisis intervention, suicide prevention, and other help for LGBTQ+ teens. Call the hotline (1-866-488-7386) or visit their website. They love you and want to help.

  Girls Health (girlshealth.gov): This website covers it all. It’s a really good place to visit if you have body issues, are struggling with drug and alcohol abuse, are dealing with bullying, or are concerned about your safety.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thank you to everyone who submitted a letter. I read every single one of them, often with tissues nearby. I wish each one could have been in this collection. Thank you for being brave and telling your story. As Corey Ann Haydu said in her letter, “When it’s something you own instead of something you fear, it’s less shameful … Once that door opens, people walk through it. Once that door opens, everyone can breathe a little easier. Once that door opens, it’s a little less lonely.”

  I’d like to have a huge group hug with the following people, all of whom helped to bring Dear Heartbreak to life:

  Kate Farrell, my editor at Holt, who always says, “Yes! Yes, let’s do that!” whenever I get an idea in my head, and who has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. Brenda Bowen, my endlessly passionate and kind agent, who helped to birth this project right alongside me with good cheer and the quiet calm of the very best sea-captains. Thank you to the agents of each author in the collection, who were down with them baring their souls. So much love to everyone at Macmillan who put their hearts into this book.

  I’d also like to give a shout-out to Cheryl Strayed, whose Dear Sugar column inspired this project and many of its writers.

  Finally, I’d like to thank the people who have loved Dear Heartbreak’s adult and teen writers well, patched us up, and given us reasons to believe that love is possible. But I most want to acknowledge (not necessarily thank) the people or situations that allowed us to gain the wisdom to love ourselves. Self-love became an unexpected theme in this book, and the wise words of these authors have shown me that there is much to be grateful for on this journey—even, crazily enough, some of the tough stuff.

  Sending love to each and every one of you readers. And glitter. Because why not?

  THE AUTHORS

  Becky Albertalli is the author of Si
mon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, now a major motion picture; The Upside of Unrequited; and the upcoming Leah on the Offbeat and What If It’s Us. She used to write about unrequited love in her top-secret journals. Now she writes about unrequited love in books for teenagers. She lives with her family in Atlanta, and you can visit her online at beckyalbertalli.com.

  Adi Alsaid is the author of several young adult books, including Let’s Get Lost and North of Happy. He was born and raised in Mexico City, where he now lives and spills hot sauce on things.

  Libba Bray is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the Gemma Doyle trilogy (A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, The Sweet Far Thing); the Michael L. Printz Award–winning Going Bovine; Beauty Queens, a Los Angeles Times Book Prize finalist; and The Diviners series. She is also one-quarter of the all-YA-author rock band Tiger Beat. Originally from Texas, Libba lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her family and two sociopathic cats.

  Mike Curato is an author and illustrator best known for his picture book series Little Elliot. He has illustrated several books for other authors, such as What If … by Samantha Berger, All the Way to Havana by Margarita Engle, and the well-loved pro-homo picture book Worm Loves Worm by J. J. Austrian. Mike is working on his first YA graphic novel, Flamer, about a fourteen-year-old boy who is coming to terms with his sexual identity while being bullied at a scout camp, with near-fatal consequences.

  Heather Demetrios is the author of several young adult novels and countless love letters. When she isn’t spending time in imaginary places, she’s traipsing around the world with her husband and fellow writer, Zach Fehst. Heather is a recipient of the PEN New England Susan P. Bloom Discovery Award for her debut novel, Something Real. Her other novels include Exquisite Captive, I’ll Meet You There, and Bad Romance. She has an MFA in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts. Find out more about Heather and her books at heatherdemetrios.com and come say hi on Twitter (@HDemetrios).

  Amy Ewing is the author of the New York Times bestselling Lone City trilogy. She lives in New York City, navigating the minefield that is single city living and traveling as much as possible to soothe the heartbreaks along the way. You can find her at amyewingbooks.com, and on Twitter and Instagram (@amyewingbook).

  Since he was a child, Zach Fehst has read everything he could get his hands on—even if it was only the back of a cereal box. Now, he mostly reads and writes speculative fiction filled with mystery and adventure. Before he started writing, he hosted the Emmy-nominated nature show The Ultimate Guide to the Awesome on the Discovery Kids Network. He’s married to author Heather Demetrios. His first novel is forthcoming from Simon and Schuster. Find him on Twitter: @zachfehst.

  Gayle Forman is an award-winning, internationally bestselling author. Her books include I Have Lost My Way, Leave Me, Just One Day, Just One Year, I Was Here, Where She Went, and If I Stay, which was made into a major motion picture. Gayle’s work has been published in more than forty countries. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her family.

  Corey Ann Haydu is the author of several critically acclaimed young adult and middle-grade novels, including OCD Love Story, Rules For Stealing Stars, and The Careful Undressing of Love. In 2013 she was chosen as a Publishers Weekly Flying Start. Her books have been Junior Library Guild Selections, Indie Next Selections, and BCCB Blue Ribbon Selections. She currently lives in Brooklyn with her husband, her daughter, her dog, and a wide selection of cheese in case of any heartbreaks or heartaches.

  Varian Johnson is the author of several novels, including The Great Greene Heist, an ALA Notable Children’s Book Selection, and his latest mystery, The Parker Inheritance. A die-hard romantic, Varian has dated three girls named Erika—but not at the same time—and they all broke his heart. Also, if Erika A. is reading this, he would like his sweater back.

  A.S. King has been called “One of the best YA writers working today” by the New York Times Book Review. She is the author of highly acclaimed crossover novels, including her 2016 release Still Life with Tornado, 2015’s surrealist I Crawl Through It, the 2012 Los Angeles Times Book Prize–winner Ask the Passengers, and 2011 Michael L. Printz Honor Book Please Ignore Vera Dietz, among others. After fifteen years living self-sufficiently and teaching literacy to adults in Ireland, she now lives in Pennsylvania with her weird family.

  Nina LaCour is the award-winning and national bestselling author of five novels, most recently the 2018 Michael L. Printz Award–winning We Are Okay. She enjoys writing books about heartbreak as well as consuming art, films, and music on the subject. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her wife and daughter, both of whom keep her heart firmly intact.

  At sixteen, Kim Liggett left her rural midwestern town for New York City to pursue a career in music. Along with lending her voice to hundreds of studio recordings, she was a backup singer for some of the biggest rock bands in the ’80s. Kim spends her free time studying the tarot and scouring Manhattan for vials of rare perfume and the perfect egg-white cocktail.

  Kekla Magoon is the author of nine novels, including The Rock and the River, How It Went Down, X: A Novel (with Ilyasah Shabazz), and the Robyn Hoodlum Adventures series. She has received an NAACP Image Award, the John Steptoe New Talent Award, two Coretta Scott King Honors, the Walter Award Honor, the In the Margins Award, and been longlisted for the National Book Award. She also writes nonfiction on historical topics. Kekla conducts school and library visits nationwide and serves on the Writers’ Council for the National Writing Project. Kekla holds a BA from Northwestern University and an MFA in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts, where she now serves on faculty. Visit her online at keklamagoon.com.

  Sarah McCarry is the author of the novels All Our Pretty Songs, Dirty Wings, and About A Girl, the editor and publisher of the chapbook series Guillotine, the media coordinator for The Doula Project, and the executive director of the Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick Foundation. Her work has been shortlisted for the Lambda Award, the Norton Award, and the Tiptree Award, and she has received fellowships from the MacDowell Colony, the Joint Quantum Institute, and the Launchpad Writers’ Workshop.

  Sandhya Menon is the New York Times bestselling author of When Dimple Met Rishi and From Twinkle, With Love. She lives in Colorado with her high school sweetheart, who holds the distinguished honor of never having broken her heart.

  Cristina Moracho is the author of Althea & Oliver (Viking, 2014) and A Good Idea (Viking, 2017). She received an MFA in creative writing from Brooklyn College. A fan of true crime stories, coffee ice cream, and punk rock shows, she lives with her dog in Red Hook, Brooklyn, where she is teaching herself to play the guitar and read tarot cards while writing her next book.

  Jasmine Warga lives and writes in Cincinnati, Ohio. She is the author of My Heart and Other Black Holes and Here We Are Now. Her books have been translated into more than twenty different languages and optioned for film. She made many mistakes in high school, one of which was dyeing her hair purple.

  Ibi Zoboi holds an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from Vermont College of Fine Arts. Her writing has been published in The New York Times Book Review, The Horn Book Magazine, and The Rumpus, among others. Her debut novel, American Street, a National Book Award finalist, was published by Balzer + Bray, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Her next YA novel, Pride, is due out in fall 2018. Her middle-grade debut, My Life as an Ice-Cream Sandwich, is forthcoming from Dutton/Penguin Books. Ibi has been married to the love of her life for sixteen years, and they share a home in Brooklyn with their three children. You can find her online at ibizoboi.net.

  ABOUT THE EDITOR

  Heather Demetrios is the author of several critically acclaimed novels including Something Real and I’ll Meet You There. She is a recipient of the PEN New England Susan P. Bloom Discovery Award and has an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from Vermont College of Fine Arts. When she isn’t traipsing around the world or spending time in imaginary places, she lives with her husband in New York City. Originally fr
om Los Angeles, she now calls the East Coast home. You can sign up for email updates here.

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  THE LETTERS

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Introduction

  Epigraph

  You Are So Far from Broken * Becky Albertalli

  Grow Wildly * Nina LaCour

  Do You Care to Reside Within? * Adi Alsaid

  If You Call, I Will Answer * Kekla Magoon

  We Have to Be Who We Are * Libba Bray

  We’re Not Alone * Kim Liggett

  Stay You * Mike Curato

  How to Find a Boyfriend in Your Heart * Sarah McCarry

  I Am Tired of Trying to Prove My Worth * Amy Ewing

  Who Said I Have to Give My Heart Up for Breaking? * A.S. King

  Own Your Heart * Jasmine Warga

  Bigger Than Heartbreak * Sandhya Menon

  Life in the Friend Zone * Varian Johnson

  Down the Rabbit Hole and Out the Other Side * Cristina Moracho

  Love Is All, Love Is You * Heather Demetrios and Zach Fehst

  Knock Down Those Walls * Ibi Zoboi

  Open the Door and Walk Through It * Corey Ann Haydu

  The Teacher of All Things * Gayle Forman